In order to better understand this poem, the following is given as context:
“ . . . An Asian-American college student was reported to have jumped to her death from her dormitory window. Her body was found two days later under a deep cover of snow. Her suicide note contained an apology to her parents for having received less than a perfect four point grade average. . .” (Kirszner and Mandell, 367).
Below is my unguided understanding of the poem.
The speaker has handwritten countless academic notes in pen which have been smudged by their stressful stirrings or tears, leaving marks that are akin to bird prints. But regardless of how many notes that are taken, all of it is not enough for something that must be important to speaker.
Take note the repetition of the words “not” and “enough.” This will be a constant theme as the poem progresses. Also, notice the spacing between each of the three groups of words. This could signify the slow breaths the speaker is taking if they were speaking it aloud.
In their own eyes, the speaker is not good enough for the approval of their parents despite their best efforts in what can assumed to be school. - “I’ve worked very hard, but not hard enough to please you.” In their mind, if they work harder then they might be worthy of the praise they wish for. And again, the repeated phrase “not good enough” is used to instill the speaker’s own sense of inadequacy.
Here it is revealed the gender of the story teller and their wish to be a male worker, one who works out in a forest, probably much like their father, threading pine. Someone who is worthy of the accepting eyes of their mother and the “golden” pride of their father’s dream. Perhaps her father’s dream was that she was born a male so they could work with him and eventually take over the job that he had.
In opposition to what she sees as feminine hands, unfit for work and unworthy of praise, she wishes for hands of a male so that she could do work.
As the speaker sees it, if, and only if, they were male, they could not only go through life without having to worry about failure, but also have praises being blown by the wind in their direction, giving them confidence in everything they do. And once again we see the repetition of “not enough.”
She is sorry for her imperfection as a human, but sees that these things cannot be ignored.
For every imperfection, a numbing yet painful hindrance. Every mistake is inflated to the size of a glacier. Every disapproval of her work is a boot print, a mark that is permanent in the snow and on her record. And for every disappointment, ice freezes solid her own will, life force, and motivation.
She has done all that she can but still feels as though she is not enough.
For her alleged failure, she will fall. Bone by bone, notice the alliteration in these words, giving the reader a sense that things are falling apart one by one, she readies herself to be thrown off the ledge of her womanhood or otherwise known as the last moments of her life which are easily broken like the wings of a bird. For she feels she is not strong enough to hold on to the ledge.
At a constant rate, snow, like time, is passing by. Because of this, it is no time to be living or wishing as one with wings would do. A metaphor is used here that equates the wings of a bird to one’s ability succeed in life. So as a mindless bird, she feels she is made dizzy and silly by the forceful winds of a stressful life as she stands on the edge between life and death.
Using the ledge as an altar, she is getting ready to sacrifice herself to repent for what she has done wrong. Which in this case would be some sort of academic imperfection.
At this point, her “wings” or ability of succeeding is impeded by the cold hopelessness of time that is represented by the snow. Her wings are crippled from past errors she made which have lead to her despair. As she cries into the frozen air, her tears fall slowly like snow. Time slows down and the tone becomes very quiet as death approaches.
Pointing attention to the words of repetition once more, the speaker states that they have not been good enough to be acknowledged by their parents, not strong enough to withstand the winds of stressful life, and not smart enough to get through school without imperfections on her record.
At this point, her choice to commit suicide has been narrowed down like ice. She has shredded her scholarly notes and any chance of a future if it were assumed that snow is time.
It is now that she has gone through with her action as her broken body lies, covered in snow, and fading away in time. As this is happening, she is repeating in her mind apologies for what she has done.
When they find her body, she imagines herself being buried under a pine tree like the ones she would have threaded if she were born a male and worked under the pride of her father. Her feathers, or remains, are to be scattered as a forgotten memory like an unspoken song over the earth, frozen by time (Mirikitani 367-68).
Janice Mirikitani was born in 1942 as an Asian-American poet who is a political activist against war, ethnic stereotyping, and the subjugation of women. She wrote both “Suicide Note” and “Recipe” in the year 1987. A somewhat recent time in which Asian-American families were, and still are to this day, focused heavily on their youth receiving high grades and an exceptional education (Komura 2015).
When I researched Suicide Note to understand it in terms of how life was around the time it was written, I learned the following: The franticness of the notes that were said to be taken in the poem could signify the state of panic in the speaker’s mind who may be subconsciously crying out for help. The girl’s wish to have been born a male might have stemmed from the fact that many parents in the 1980s preferred having a son rather than a daughter. Asian-American children who are born male are eventually tasked with taking care of their elders as they grow older. Because she was not born a male, the speaker’s parents might have looked down upon, if not outright rejected, her. So, in the speaker’s eyes, the only way to gain the acceptance of her parents was to be a perfect student (Wang 2013).
When further reflecting on this poem, Amy Tan’s “Two Kinds” comes to mind. Similar to the speaker of “Suicide Note,” June in “Two Kinds” is a Chinese-American child born and raised under a single mother. She suffers, like the aforementioned speaker, from extreme expectations put upon her by her mother (Tan 336-40). For a deeper look into the life of June, I recommend reading The Struggling Child Archetype.
Aesthetics." arcade.stanford.edu Stanford University, 17 Aug. 2015. Web. 08 Dec.
2015.
Kirszner, Laurie G., and Stephen R. Mandell, eds. LIT. Boston: Wadsworth, 2012. Print.
Mirikitani, Janice. “Suicide Note.” Kirszner and Mandell 367-68.
Tan, Amy. ”Two Kinds.” Kirszner and Mandell 336-40.
Wang, Xiaoyu, "The Influences of Parental Expectations on Children's Academic
Achievements: A Comparative Analysis of the United States and China" (2013).
Master's Theses. Paper 1857.
“ . . . An Asian-American college student was reported to have jumped to her death from her dormitory window. Her body was found two days later under a deep cover of snow. Her suicide note contained an apology to her parents for having received less than a perfect four point grade average. . .” (Kirszner and Mandell, 367).
Below is my unguided understanding of the poem.
How many notes written . . .
ink smeared like birdprints in snow.
not good enough not pretty enough not smart enough
The speaker has handwritten countless academic notes in pen which have been smudged by their stressful stirrings or tears, leaving marks that are akin to bird prints. But regardless of how many notes that are taken, all of it is not enough for something that must be important to speaker.
Take note the repetition of the words “not” and “enough.” This will be a constant theme as the poem progresses. Also, notice the spacing between each of the three groups of words. This could signify the slow breaths the speaker is taking if they were speaking it aloud.
dear mother and father.
I apologize
for disappointing you.
I’ve worked very hard,
not good enough
harder, perhaps to please you.
In their own eyes, the speaker is not good enough for the approval of their parents despite their best efforts in what can assumed to be school. - “I’ve worked very hard, but not hard enough to please you.” In their mind, if they work harder then they might be worthy of the praise they wish for. And again, the repeated phrase “not good enough” is used to instill the speaker’s own sense of inadequacy.
If only I were a son, shoulders broad
at the sunset threading through pine,
I would see the light in my mother’s
eyes, or the golden pride reflected
in my father’s dream
Here it is revealed the gender of the story teller and their wish to be a male worker, one who works out in a forest, probably much like their father, threading pine. Someone who is worthy of the accepting eyes of their mother and the “golden” pride of their father’s dream. Perhaps her father’s dream was that she was born a male so they could work with him and eventually take over the job that he had.
of my wide, male hands worthy of work
and comfort.
In opposition to what she sees as feminine hands, unfit for work and unworthy of praise, she wishes for hands of a male so that she could do work.
I would swagger through life
muscled and bold and assured,
drawing praises to me
like currents in the bed of wind, virile
with confidence.
not good enough not strong enough not good enough
As the speaker sees it, if, and only if, they were male, they could not only go through life without having to worry about failure, but also have praises being blown by the wind in their direction, giving them confidence in everything they do. And once again we see the repetition of “not enough.”
I apologize,
Tasks do not come easily.
She is sorry for her imperfection as a human, but sees that these things cannot be ignored.
Each failure, a glacier.
Each disapproval, a bootprint.
Each disappointment,
ice above my river.
For every imperfection, a numbing yet painful hindrance. Every mistake is inflated to the size of a glacier. Every disapproval of her work is a boot print, a mark that is permanent in the snow and on her record. And for every disappointment, ice freezes solid her own will, life force, and motivation.
So I have worked hard.
not good enough
She has done all that she can but still feels as though she is not enough.
My sacrifice I will drop
bone by bone, perched
on the ledge of my womanhood,
fragile as wings.
not strong enough
For her alleged failure, she will fall. Bone by bone, notice the alliteration in these words, giving the reader a sense that things are falling apart one by one, she readies herself to be thrown off the ledge of her womanhood or otherwise known as the last moments of her life which are easily broken like the wings of a bird. For she feels she is not strong enough to hold on to the ledge.
It is snowing steadily
surely not good weather
for flying--this sparrow
sillied and dizzied by the wind
on the edge.
not smart enough
At a constant rate, snow, like time, is passing by. Because of this, it is no time to be living or wishing as one with wings would do. A metaphor is used here that equates the wings of a bird to one’s ability succeed in life. So as a mindless bird, she feels she is made dizzy and silly by the forceful winds of a stressful life as she stands on the edge between life and death.
I make this ledge my altar
to offer penance.
Using the ledge as an altar, she is getting ready to sacrifice herself to repent for what she has done wrong. Which in this case would be some sort of academic imperfection.
This air will not hold me,
the snow burdens my crippled wings,
my tears drop like bitter cloth
softly into the gutter below.
At this point, her “wings” or ability of succeeding is impeded by the cold hopelessness of time that is represented by the snow. Her wings are crippled from past errors she made which have lead to her despair. As she cries into the frozen air, her tears fall slowly like snow. Time slows down and the tone becomes very quiet as death approaches.
not good enough not strong enough not smart enough
Pointing attention to the words of repetition once more, the speaker states that they have not been good enough to be acknowledged by their parents, not strong enough to withstand the winds of stressful life, and not smart enough to get through school without imperfections on her record.
Choices thin as shaved
ice. Notes shredded
drift like snow
At this point, her choice to commit suicide has been narrowed down like ice. She has shredded her scholarly notes and any chance of a future if it were assumed that snow is time.
on my broken body,
cover me like whispers
of sorries
sorries.
It is now that she has gone through with her action as her broken body lies, covered in snow, and fading away in time. As this is happening, she is repeating in her mind apologies for what she has done.
Perhaps when they find me
they will bury
my bird bones beneath
a sturdy pine
and scatter my feathers like
unspoken song
over this white and cold and silent
breast of earth.
When they find her body, she imagines herself being buried under a pine tree like the ones she would have threaded if she were born a male and worked under the pride of her father. Her feathers, or remains, are to be scattered as a forgotten memory like an unspoken song over the earth, frozen by time (Mirikitani 367-68).
Janice Mirikitani was born in 1942 as an Asian-American poet who is a political activist against war, ethnic stereotyping, and the subjugation of women. She wrote both “Suicide Note” and “Recipe” in the year 1987. A somewhat recent time in which Asian-American families were, and still are to this day, focused heavily on their youth receiving high grades and an exceptional education (Komura 2015).
When I researched Suicide Note to understand it in terms of how life was around the time it was written, I learned the following: The franticness of the notes that were said to be taken in the poem could signify the state of panic in the speaker’s mind who may be subconsciously crying out for help. The girl’s wish to have been born a male might have stemmed from the fact that many parents in the 1980s preferred having a son rather than a daughter. Asian-American children who are born male are eventually tasked with taking care of their elders as they grow older. Because she was not born a male, the speaker’s parents might have looked down upon, if not outright rejected, her. So, in the speaker’s eyes, the only way to gain the acceptance of her parents was to be a perfect student (Wang 2013).
When further reflecting on this poem, Amy Tan’s “Two Kinds” comes to mind. Similar to the speaker of “Suicide Note,” June in “Two Kinds” is a Chinese-American child born and raised under a single mother. She suffers, like the aforementioned speaker, from extreme expectations put upon her by her mother (Tan 336-40). For a deeper look into the life of June, I recommend reading The Struggling Child Archetype.
Works Cited
Komura, Toshiaki. "Revisiting Janice Mirikitani: A Search for UnencumberedAesthetics." arcade.stanford.edu Stanford University, 17 Aug. 2015. Web. 08 Dec.
2015.
Kirszner, Laurie G., and Stephen R. Mandell, eds. LIT. Boston: Wadsworth, 2012. Print.
Mirikitani, Janice. “Suicide Note.” Kirszner and Mandell 367-68.
Tan, Amy. ”Two Kinds.” Kirszner and Mandell 336-40.
Wang, Xiaoyu, "The Influences of Parental Expectations on Children's Academic
Achievements: A Comparative Analysis of the United States and China" (2013).
Master's Theses. Paper 1857.
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